yellow rose

vomit

*5 things you are wearing*
1. black pullover covered in cat hair
2.white glitter long sleever shirt with new york written on it
3. black eckored pants
4. white tube socks
5. purple fluffy slippers

*5 things you can see*
1. remote control
2. black bendable lamp
3. porcelain dolls
4. TV
5. green thing

*5 things you ate in the last 24 hours*
1. crab rangoon
2. chicken fried rice
3. homemade custard
4. m&m’s peanut
5. crab rangoon

*5 things you did so far today*
1. went on the net and IM’ed Tyler
2. played games online
3. called emilie
4. ate
5. went to the bathroom

I love: tyler
I hate: everyone except for a few very few people
I fear: practically everything, but at the moment losing my brain
I hope: that i get better
I hear: the tv
I crave: more crab rangoon and all the chinese food in the world
I regret: nothing at the moment
I cry: alot lately
I care: about the ones i love
I always: eat chinese food everyday
I believe: that everything will be okay soon
I feel: hungry and tired
I listen: when i want to
I hide: when i get spooked
I drive: when my parents offer me to practice
I sing: when i’m out of myself and all alone
I dance: in my dreams
I write: in my head and journal
I play: with my kitten
I miss: tyler and emilie
I know: that i’m a lazy butt
I say: my butt give me chinese food
I succeed: when i really want to
I dream: about all the things i wish realit was
I wonder: if everything will turn out alright
I want: more chinese food for free
I have: no life
I give:anything to Tyler
I need: love from tyler right now

I don't know what's up with me lately and i told Emilie about it and she made me paranoid. I miss Emilie and I just want everything to stop so I can calm down and make sure everything is okay.
yellow rose

Glow

I'm completely disgusted by the human race lately. The 31 year old driver of Pizza Hut has been hitting on me, not like flirting but like sexual comments. I didn't think anything of it untill the managers told me to watch myself and stop being nice to him because he takes my kindness as a liking to him. Not only that but still people have the nerve to flirt with me and make sexual comments when i have a boyfriend and they know, it's ridiculous. What is up with people liking me this year, leave me the fuck alone, god.

So besides disgusting people hitting on me I'm stressed as fudge. I procrastinate far to much and i know i shouldn't but i like to see myself suffer and get that nauseated feeling of worry then fuck myself over the last day to try and get it done. Why i do this? , I have no idea but i have to stop. These days i spend most of the day worrying about the next time I will get the nauseated feeling from a headach, or the feeling of major stress, or random sadness. I hate the feelings as much as the feeling of vomiting up nothing. Not only do i feear feelings of sickness and worry I fear food. No, I'm not anorexic, but when i eat something and think of the texture when i'm eating it I get nauseated and i hate that feeling, so now i fear eating because i know i'm going to disgust myself.

I just need my Tyler and only my Tyler. Tyler and art supplies are all I need in life everything else is distroying me lately.

Can we stop it with the damn charcol (sp?), i hate it.

How can I feel so alive and so happy but so dead and so depressed at the same time everyday?
  • Current Music
    :
yellow rose

(no subject)

I'm so wicked depressed because my boyfriend is most likely moving. I don't know what i would do without him near me. But he's trying to find a way to stay here. First he was moving to Manchester but then his brother called and said that they could move in with him, and he lives in Arkansa. Now it's Arkansa or bust. Tyler is trying to live with someone because he really doesn't want to change schools or live so far away from me. Now matter what we are staying together but it's rough.
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed
yellow rose

(no subject)

I went shopping today and got some new clothes. For some reason I went all preppy and decided to buy pink sweaters and some light colored stuff which is so not like me. I kind of miss my dark colored clothes but I needed some variety in life.

I'm all obsessed with bath and body works. I've been in there several times but I never really liked it untill today when i bought vanilla soup, mist, and bath stuff. Vanilla is the only scent i can deal in a perfumey way because everything else smells to chemically. Plus vanilla smells warm.
  • Current Mood
    artistic artistic
yellow rose

You make me happy when skies are grey

The many moods of the day in order....</align>

tired, unhappy, bouncy, bored, annoyed., snotty, .regal, childish, aggravated, hopeful, cheerful, anxious, scared, sad., belittled, childish, sad, tired, pissed, happy, blissful, dirty, clean, anxious.


Can we say to many moods in a day, but an overall mood of stress and worry. There has got to be a mood disorder or something that your about as emotionally stable as gasoline. I think i have an anxiety problem because the simpliest situations like asking my father if i can go some where bring me into a puddle of tears scared of getting yelled at, and to many things make my brain cells fizz and i just flip and crash.
  • Current Music
    Dir en grey: Shoku Kurenai
yellow rose

Got to reflect

The best of 2003:</align>

Getting a job at pizza hut, stop sitting on my ass so much, tried to get fit (but then it go cold outside), Meeting Tyler and having him as a boyfriend, becoming a little more adventurous active and open minded, trying new things, and trying to get out of the house.


The worst of 2003:</align>

My best friend Emy moving away, not having enough personal time to reflect, not being as creative, being mentally lazy, going out with Mike, talking to people i wish i hadn't, having my summer fly by. Don't remember more.


New Years resolutions</align>

Get some color in my life, change my ways alittle, stop being a dork, hang out with Tyler as much as I can, go out and wander around, sign up for drivers-ed and stop being nervous in a car, stop worrying so much, stop panicing, stop being paranoid and thinking wierd things, get some energy, be active, be spontaneous, do more art things, be unlazy, try harder, study more, getting going on college things, and enjoy the little things instead of dwelling on the bad.


I so don't want to work today, i'm not in the mood to move out of the house and make pizza's. It's vacation but I still get that sinking feeling when i have to work. It should be spring or autumn so i could go outside and wander around.
  • Current Music
    Deadman: Himawari
yellow rose

it's here

My presents from Tyler were wonderful, i loved them to death. Now i got more porcelain fairies and dolls. He like my presents thanks goodnesss. I was so scared he wasn't going to like the sweater because it's not something he is used to wearing. And he told me when he saw it he had doubts but when he put it on he loved it. Now he's got a sexy sweater.

I'm gong insane!!! Tyler has invaded my brain. I love to hear him say he loves me because he means it and i can tell. He says it so sincerely and always give me a sweet kiss after. Dies from to much love.
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    :
yellow rose

Can't you feel it

It isn't just me who feels like they are sinking into the mud everday of school. That we just can't get out but ever once inawhile we see hope but then notice we aren't getting out soon.

I'm not here, right now i'm on autopilot. I feel like dressing up right now. Just getting a dress and makeup and getting my hair all spiffed out and go out somewhere and wonder around just to get away from here and feel alittle better. It's times like these i wish i lived in the countryor some woodsy area, where i could wonder around and get lost.
  • Current Mood
    blank blank
yellow rose

Presents

Today was shopping for Tyler's presents day. I spent most of the money i took out except for 29 dollars. I bought him pc games, an express sweater, and a magnet dart board. Would have bought more but there were so many things i wanted to get him and not enough dinero for all of it.

Overall good day but now i'm tired and i still have to get reading on A rumor of War and do my homework.
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
yellow rose

Finally

After much color changing and trying to get a background image to work i have settled down with this.

♥ to my rose icon

What a boring day, but for some reason i feel like i am on summer vacation and there is no school tomorrow. Unfortunately there is and i will have to see people. Eww!!, people.
  • Current Mood
    relieved relieved